The good tears are streaming...

Just got the funniest e-mail - had to post it - My stomach hurts from laughing so much - I hope you enjoy!

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actuallybecomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantrontest is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on theDonkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snoozebutton from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Hope you laughed out loud!!!

Even Rosa Parks can catch the bus...

And that's how we started our day...

Morgan only rode the bus once last week, so I made sure we were both outside at the end of the driveway furiously waving our arms as the bus drove right past us....

All the kids saw us, but not the driver - what exactly does this say about her attention to the road around her????

And if you remember from last year's scolding - WE ARE NOT TO RUN AFTER THE BUS WHEN SHE FORGETS US! So we got into the car and headed to the carpool line.

Then I came home, turned down the a/c, and crawled back in bed...

SUCKER!!!!!!

That's me - a HUGE sucker!!!!!!





This is Avery on the floor of the intern's office (remember - mine is "under repair"). Watching a movie and coloring and giving me kisses every few minutes. But here's why....





Ouch! That red spot is a bug bite. My girls (just like me) have the worst allergic reactions to bug bites. Don't everyone start screaming - we have been through this DOZENS of times over the years between the two girls. It's not staph, although there have been overzealous Urgent Care doctors who have treated it as such.

So AveryBird is now asking my opinion on which brown crayon is the sharpest while I try to calculate penalties and interest on a delinquent return - so conducive to concentrating... Why do I even try???

BTW, the tub mystery seems to be solved. A former police officer was questioning me - and it was more than a little unnerving...

We keep all of the tub toys in a very small laundry basket in the tub. The basket naturally becomes a toy in the tub. There were plenty bubbles in the tub that night, and when Morgan went to stand up (probably to pour water on Avery's head), she slipped on the bubbly tub bottom and landed on a the basket. But the plastic basket was already broken, so it seems that she landed on the broken part of the basket and scratched both cheeks. Have no fear - Avery threw that MEAN basket away!

So on Wednesday Morgan was here and today it's Avery at the office - I could use more than Calgon!

Who needs TV?

I mean, I couldn't make this stuff up...

So last night, M&A are in the bathtub and Mo starts crying that she slipped and hurt her butt. I'm like "whatever" - just get out of the tub and dry off. But the crying is getting louder and I figure Social Services would want me to check on her. So I get off my bed, put my book down and go into my bathroom to find a bleeding hiney - I'm an accountant - I don't do blood!

So I dry her off - while she is wailing in my ear, and lay her on my bed, keeping calm the entire time (pretty much). So one side of her butt has about 5 pretty deep scratches and the other cheek has a cut. All of which is bleeding. And Morgan is yelling that we need to go to the doctor.

I know I'm an accountant, but I can look at it and see there is no need for stitches, but Drama Queen isn't satisfied by a layman's opinion. So I call Uncle Bryan who luckily lives in the compound and is a Physician Assistant and he comes over to calm Morgan's fears and tells her she'll be just fine.

So I have Morgan on my bed and I'm trying to put bandaids on the bleeding areas which is WAY difficult because she is clenching her butt cheeks and the bleeding areas are almost inside.... Are you picturing this ridiculous scene???

So naturally, she has a meltdown that there is NO WAY that she could go to school today because she couldn't sit on the hard chair and there is NO WAY that I can tell her teacher what happened because that would be the most mortifying thng for a first grader...

So, guess who is spending the day with Mommy???? I know, sucker.....

So yesterday....

Remember how I was tempted to take the day off? I should have turned the a/c to 60, wrapped myself up in the down comforter and gone back to sleep, but instead...

See where I'm standing? Yep - that's where my desk should be... And see the buckets and trash cans, yep - they are catching the dripping water from the ceiling. There seems too be an a/c unit in the attic above my head and it clogged this weekend causing the drip pan to overflow - and by overflow, I man FLOODED!!!

So yesterday, the a/c line was cleared and the water was sucked out of the carpet and sanitized. Today the a/c unit was fixed and the carpet was cleaned. My office still smells like mildew and we have to wait until the ceiling dries out before the sheetrock can be replaced. I have taken up temporary residence on the other side of the building, and I'm considering moving here permanently. Maybe my concentration will be better if I separate myself from Ashley and Lucy.

So, after hearing about all of this (and other sundry details that I have spared you), my friend Angel sent me this:

Now THIS made me laugh!!!!

I'm trying to decide if today is a "Mental Health Monday"

and that is a fancy way of saying "playing hookie" - but it sounds better.

ashley hasn't called yet, so maybe she has the same idea, she has usually checked in by now to get a status update...

Oh man, I just checked Blackberry Messenger and last night she sent me a message that reads, and I quote, "I have a few concerns about BellMac that we need to discuss".

This is bad - Ashley isn't the one that has concerns about BellMac - she generally leaves the worrying to me... OK - stomach is hurting now - gotta call her - It may be more of a mental health day than I thought.....Wish me luck...

Our last summer adventure...

last week me and Jen piled Morgan, Avery, Nick (and forty five pounds of snacks) into GiGi's SUV and headed to NOLA to spend the dat at the Children's Museum... our last summer hurrah!

Don't forget about the HUGE (and I mean GIGANTIC) 3rd anniversary celebration at Scrapbook and Co. this Saturday. Even if you're heading to the Jonas Brothers - plan to be at Co. at 10 when the doors open - I mean if you are going to suffer through the Jonas Brothers, you deserve to treat yourself to some scrapbook goodies!!!